There is nothing like winter to make you feel fat and unattractive. I feel fat naked let alone having to wear forty layers of jumpers just to go to the shops. When you get back you have to strip them off before you die of heat exhaustion. Then, of course, comes the mirror moment. I stand there momentarily shocked at the view before me. My face now looks like a pigs arse, all pink and blotchy. My hair looks like I found it in a scrap yard and my lips are cracked, good old winter.

Its at this time of year I think about cosmetic surgery, you know the kind of thing, should I have four or five stone of fat sucked from my stomach? Are my ears too big? Are my tits too small? The answer is always yes.

Liposuction, there’s a strange thing. Who first thought, I know what, my wife is looking s bit podgy, I think I will stick a tube in her and suck out all the fat? I could be wrong but I bet it was a man that invented liposuction.
The one thing I do know is, no matter how much I dream I am not brave enough to go under the knife.

Talking of knives, I could take one to my husband. You guessed it; the kitchen still looks like down town Baghdad. I told him this morning if he does not get his finger out I am divorcing him.

Another dream I couldn’t go through with.

See you next time